Bizarro News Roundup!
News of nonstop war and social collapse getting you down? Didn’t know that shit was happening? Doesn’t matter! It’s time to slide on down for a Bizarro News Roundup!
- Indian teen with rare medical condition has 232 teeth removed from his mouth.
- Indian man finds a 5-foot crocodile in his shower.
- Have you heard about those mysterious Syberian sinkholes? They look like cute holes to hell. Scientists are still wondering what the fuck they are but now there are some theories. I still think it’s aliens.
- Check out this cool mining town in Australia that exists underground! There’s even an underground pub and bookstore.
- We did not revert back to the 80’s…well actually some of us never left, but technically it’s 2014 and Weird Al has topped the Billboard charts:
- In other music news, Primus are releasing an album of songs from the Willa Wonka and the Chocolate Factory soundtrack. Here is a taste of what to expect:
- In Mexico, there’s an embalmed corpse of a woman who models wedding dresses at a bridal shop. Locals are freaked out but deal with it.
- Best mom ever goes to this deep sea octopus who looked after her eggs for 4 years and didn’t even eat! Cthulhu is pleased.
- Treasure news: Man buys cheap retirement land in Portugal and finds over a million dollars worth of vintage luxury cars locked up in the barn!
- Germany is now the penis enlargement capital of the world. Penoplasty is a real word and should be used often.
- A cool German crop circle has popped up out of nowhere. Thousands are flocking to check it out and have penoplasties.
- D.C. hospital rodent infestation is so bad that rodents are crawling up vaginas. That’s pretty bad. Good thing those vaginas were already dead.
- You no longer need to be a serial killer to have your very own human skin furniture! Looks, feels, and smells like the real thing. Just what you always wanted.
- Clowns help 68-year-old clown after she accidentally crashes her car into a pole. Wounded clown is injured but ok. They bounce back.
- CCTV captures footage of a ghost hanging out in a “theatre” in Essex and moving a chair. This happened after a psychic had been on stage earlier.
- You can now send kids to summer camp in North Korea and be a party of a North Korean talent show at the end! Lucky bastards.
- In the most awesome news of the week: cooking with LAVA!
Until next time Bizarros!
Weird Art Month: Wayne Barlowe
By Sam Reeve
I’ve been a fan of Wayne Barlowe’s since I was a little kid. Besides painting and sketching some of the craziest creatures and beings you’ll ever see, he did some paleoart for a book I had called Alphabet of Dinosaurs. The picture below is the one I remember best. Those damn eyes…
Anyway, Barlowe has done concept art for some pretty major projects like Pacific Rim, John Carter and The Hobbit. His ability to thrust you into a totally alien world and make it all feel real is kind of trippy. After checking out the gallery below, visit his website here to see more work. You won’t regret it.
Twisted Tuesdays: 13 Classic Bizarro Porn Movies/Clips, NSFW
I’ve watched quite a lot of porn in my day. As you may have noticed, my wtf threshold is rather high but there are some pornographic films I have come across that really are bizarre even for me. It takes a lot for me to pause and go “WTF am I watching?” Here are 13 of the most Bizarro porn movies and clips you should see…
Obviously all links are NSFW and XXX rated. Don’t worry if you get a weird boner, it happens to the best of us and I obviously have watched all of these movies so you can just blame me for your weird fap this Twisted Tuesday.
1) Edward Penishands – An actually decent movie as far as Bizarro porn is concerned. The plot is almost identical to Edward Scissorhands except it’s a porn and he has peni for hands. Edward is kind of hot too if you’re into crying goth boys with penis hands.
This clip of Edward Penishands eating spaghetti is fucking art.
2) Live Action La Blue Girl – Based on the classic hentai which is known for quite a bit of tentacle rape, the live action version isn’t nearly as good as the animated version but it’s still a good attempt and they did a decent job with the tentacles. There’s a lot of them.
3) Biancaneve e i sette nani./Snow White and the Seven Dwarves – LOVE this Italian Snow White porn! The link shows the classic scene where Snow White is getting anal from a dwarf while the other 6 dwarves cheer him on. There is something really magical about that scene that Disney totally missed out on.
4) Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy (1976) – This 70’s Alice in Wonderland musical porn is a whimsical and cheesy porn tribute to the Lewis Carroll classic. It’s pretty tame since it was made in the 70’s, although still totally X-rated.
5) Frankenpenis – Remember John Wayne Bobbitt who had his penis cut off by his wife who threw it out the window while driving and he had to have it sewed on? If you were too young to remember that, it actually happened and Bobbitt ended up making a porn film with his freshly attached penis, aptly named Frankenpenis which is an “outlandish porno spoof featuring a post-surgery John Wayne Bobbitt as Frankenpenis, a castrated man who had a ‘super penis’ sewed onto him in an experiment.”
6) Let My Puppets Come – Often compared to Meet the Feebles since there aren’t many pornographic puppet movies, Let My Puppets Come is about puppets who make a porn movie with human and puppet talent.
The concept of the film is much more interesting than the actual movie. The bondage porn scene from Meet the Feebles is much better:
7) Jack-in-the-Box – Random porn clip, that I’ll admit, gave me a weird boner. I don’t even know how I found it but some guy dressed like a creepy clown thing jumps out of of a jack-in-the-box and giggles maniacally the entire course of having sex with some chick.
8) A Wet Dream on Elm Street – “PLOT: After having sex with her boyfriend, a woman is shocked when he transforms into Freddy Krueger, who she mistakes for Edward James Olmos. Freddy seduces the woman with his glove, which has vibrators affixed to the fingers.”
9) E.T. porn – Everything is Terrible described the E.T. costume as a “burn victim wrapped in seaweed” which I found to be pretty accurate. E.T. is a female and explores human sexuality with some “high society” people and looks like the Toxic Avenger with cancer.
10) Genki porn – Totally against this because poor sea creatures, but it is wtf so had to add it to the list. VICE has a good documentary on the guy who makes Japanese eel porn. The pictures are pretty incredible. I’ll give him that.
11) This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX – Porn parodies are super popular now, there is pretty much a porn parody of every TV show and film in existence. It’s an extension of rule 34. io9 has an epic guide to porn parodies and I’ve seen most of them. The Smurfs one is pretty up there in the Bizarro meter.
12) Attack of the Flying Lizards, from Perverted Stories 34 – Chick has sex with some Pterodactylus including a hand puppet. There really isn’t enough puppet porn.
13) Along Came the Spider, from Perverted Stories 32 – Seriously the most Bizarro porn I’ve ever seen. If you can top a porn with a giant creepy female spider giving a blowjob please let me know in the comments!
Happy Twisted Tuesday Bizarros! Hope you have a twisted fap!
Bizarro News Roundup!
Too much crazy shit going on so I’ll just keep it simple and post the headlines and links:
- Woman turns up alive — almost two weeks after her own funeral
-
Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop Arrested Again On Drug Charges, Explains Name
- Tourists’ shock as Morag of Loch Morar – Scotland’s second most famous monster – makes a comeback after 20 years
Twisted Tuesdays: Bizarro Photoblast!
by Tracy Vanity
Work is kicking my ass and I have a folder overflowing with some Bizarro pics you should enjoy. I sure do.
The Bizarro pic bombardment will commence…NOW!
Which ones speak to you or creep you out? This post accurately depicts what my mind looks like. FUN!
Bizarro Breaking News: Thai Superhero Hijacks Bangkok Bus to Save Aliens
posted by Tracy Vanity
A guy armed with a slingshot stole a bus in central Bangkok and lead police on a chase around town all the way to Ayutthaya, the old capital of Bangkok, which is really remarkable considering the traffic here. He must be a superhero!
“After giving chase to the bus, the police eventually managed to stop the hijacked vehicle after the suspect rammed into a parked 18 wheeler in Sanub Tuek district. The suspect was described to be in “insane condition”, shouting incoherently, when the police apprehended him. He was later identified as Mr. Pumarin Paensomboon, 31, a resident of Supanburi province.
Mr. Pumarin told police he hijacked the bus because he is a superhero from another planet and he needed the bus in order to rescue certain extraterrestrial beings, saving the entire world in the process. The man remained in custody.
Mr. Prasit Suk-in, 55, the driver of the commandeered bus, said when he and the bus conductor were parking the bus at Victory Monument, Mr. Pumarin entered the vehicle and shouted everyone to leave the bus. When Mr. Prasit attempted to apprehend Mr. Pumarin, he said, the suspect fired a slingshot at him.
According to Mr. Prasit, Mr. Pumarin also produced what seemed to be a weapon from his bag, so he and others evacuated the bus while Mr. Pumarin drove it away, ramming it into anything in his way.
Despite the destruction Mr. Pumarin left in his wake, no injury nor death was reported to the police. Representative of the Bangkok Mass Transit Authority said it will pay compensation to civilian cars which were damaged by the incident.”
I hope he was still able to save the aliens or whatever drugs he was on wore off and didn’t leave him permanently damaged.
Friday Night Fucked Up Film Festival
by Tracy Vanity
Demonic Japanese Furbies, killer plush toys, creepy sex robots, and of course, music about hell…here is a compilation of 9 short creepy videos to kick off your weekend:
+1 full-length classic feature film: John Carpenter’s They Live!
If you haven’t seen this before, WATCH IT! If you have, WATCH IT AGAIN! It’s about a working class man down on his luck who discovers some special glasses that help him see the world for what it truly is. Those of you who are familiar with Shepard Fairey’s work will see where the Obey thing originated.
“Either put on these glasses or start eating that trashcan!”
Enjoy and have a splendid weekend Bizarros!
Day 4: Jason Hernandez
By Sam Reeve
For Day 4 of WAM!!!! 2012 (yes, all of those exclamation points are necessary) we have Jason Hernandez. I couldn’t dig up much on Jason, probably because I didn’t look too hard and was very lazy about it. I’m going to blame it this sucky weather and holiday season.
Jason Hernandez was born in California in 1983, took art in college and now does freelance work, as well as graphic design for Wired Studios. Check it out his paintings and illustrations below, or click here to visit his website.
Day 10: Jon MacNair
By Sam Reeve
Jon MacNair is totally awesome. His style actually reminds me a lot of Andrew Goldfarb‘s stuff. If you don’t know who that is, you’re a turd and need to click that link.
Jon earned his BFA at the Maryland Institute College of Art, and currently lives in Michigan. His illustrations have been exhibited all over the world. Click here to check out his flickr account where you can see even MORE of his cool art.
Here’s a few shots of his sketchbook.
Flash Fiction Friday: UFO
by Justin Grimbol
The UFO was spotted in Poultney, Vermont by a group of college kids. It was black, the shape of a slice of pie and the size of a school bus. They stood under it and jumped up and down and tried to show the aliens they were welcome, that earthlings were kind and peaceful, that they would greet alternative forms of life with open arms. The alien craft didn’t respond. It just floated there.
Eventually something extended from the bottom of the ship.
“What is it?” one of the students asked.
“I think it’s an antenna of some sort.”
“I think it looks sort of like a cock,” one of the girls noticed.
“What?”
“You know, like a cock and balls.”
They looked back at the ship. It was undeniable. Out of the black metal of the alien vessel hung an enormous, fleshy cock and balls.
“What should we do?”
“Should we touch it?”
“This is fucking awkward.”
“This is fucking gross.”
“It smells weird.”
“Nudity’s cool and all, but, like, there’s a time and a place for things…”
“I think we should go.”
The group of teenagers wandered back to campus, leaving the aliens alone, floating in the cold night air over Poultney.
Inside the ship were two beings. Their bodies were like angry light and they fizzled amongst the machinery. Their race had evolved out of bodies long ago. They only had spirits. After millennia of dedicated research, they had invented the interplanetary cock and balls. It was to be the universe’s most advanced form of communication.
“What do we do now?” one of the aliens asked. “The humans didn’t like our invention.”
“Forget them,” the other said. “Let’s go to a planet where our genius is appreciated.”
Bizarro Central 