Twilight versus Cthulhu! Who is the evilest of all?
Sparkly vampires are at war against everybody’s favorite squid god. It’s up to you to decide the outcome. Cast your vote in the comments section to determine the evilest monster of all time.
Here are the possible outcomes:
Sparkly vampires: They’ll destroy Cthulhu with lip gloss and feminine anxiety.
Sparkly vampires: H.P. Lovecraft was a hack.
Cthulhu: Clearly, he is a more powerful dark wizard than Edward.
Cthulhu: Stephanie Meyer is a hack.
Nobody. They’ll kill each other after a long, bloody battle.
Nobody. They’ll realize that they’re both just sexually repressed and leave the battle feeling “not man enough.”
Lolcats.
Other: Devise your own outcome for the greatest monster battle of our time!
Cast your vote in the comments section on this post!
Every voter will be entered into a raffle to win a special vampire/Lovecraftian package, which will include a Cthulhu Santa t-shirt, The Selected Fiction of Henry James (signed by Re-Animator director STUART GORDON), The Book of Cthulhu edited by Ross Lockhart, a bootlegged copy of every Twilight film, The Orange Eats Creeps by Grace Krilanovich, and more.
The winning monster (as well as the raffle winner) will be announced at Bizarro Central on December 26th.
And if that’s not enough vampire/Cthulhu action for you, be sure to pick up Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom by Cameron Pierce, an apocalyptic horror comedy about the pitfalls that occur when Cthulhu invades a town of teen vampires.
Bizarro Central 
Lolcats.
December 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Clearly Cthulhu would win. He’ll just eat all the sparly vampires.
December 2, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Cthulhu.
All of the Twilight characters go crazy, attempt to kill and rekill and fuck the shit out of everyone, before submitting to an inconsequential end to their puny existence.
…wait, wasn’t that the premise of the Twilight series anyways? Whatever.
Also, Meyer is a hack. Lovecraft would shove a fish in her vagina and say, “Ain’t that a bitch, nigga?”
December 2, 2011 at 6:29 pm
She’d probably enjoy it. That bitch is nuts.
December 2, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Cthulhu, he most certainly shits things much nastier than Edward!
December 2, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Cthulhu. I mean, come on: he’s called one of “The Great Old Ones”. The lame-ass characters of Twilight will NEVER amount to something that grand and powerful.
December 2, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Cthulhu–but with an unfortunately unforeseeable ending.
After awakening from his dark dreams and ravaging the world (during which time he offhandedly destroys all of the Stephanie Meyer vampires as though they were mere mortals–because really, they are just people with sparkly skin that rarely do anything even remotely vampire-like), The Dark One pauses to alleviate the build up in his bowels. Here is where things get interesting: after this rather impressive bowel movement, he turns to investigate his droppings (as is his way) only to discover his feces are sparkling, as though full of glitter. He becomes so enamored of this magical crap, that he does not see the Meyer-Werewolves creeping up behind him. They survived the attack by hiding out in the Portland Mall, a place which normal people do not go, and thus, Cthulhu did not think to check. The wolves attack the great old one while his back is turned, causing him to fall face first into the steaming, glittering pile. Angered and embarrassed, he unleashes another mighty deluge of “dark matter” onto the wolves, who drown under a mountain of shit bigger than the books that spawned them
At least, that is what I think would happen.
December 2, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Cthulhu, by a tentacle.
December 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Note to self: sign in before commenting… Yea cthulhu.
December 2, 2011 at 7:48 pm
“And with strange aeons even death may sparkle.”
December 2, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Edward and Bella stare into one another’s eyes for seven hours. Tonight’s the night. They’re going to have sex. The sheets are silk, and there’s a gentle thunderstorm rumbling on the other side of the wall. They whisper secrets into one another’s ears, and Bella runs her fingers through Edward’s mane of hair. She waits for his engorged-yet-somehow-still-cold manhood to slip inside her. She steels herself, every second of aching leading to this moment….
“Stop!” Jacob bursts into the bedroom, shirtless and sweating. Edward runs over and bares his fangs in agression, though he still finds a way to look pouty. Bella looks on. “I love you more than him! Let me bed you!” says Jacob. “Fuck you! She’s mine!” Edward yells. “No! I want it!” Jacob screams, stomping his foot against the floor. “I saw her first, damn it!” says Edward. “I don’t care!” says Jacob. “Look, just let me have her. I’ll get her pregnant and I’ll let you have sex with the baby after its born,” says Edward. Jacob refuses, and morphs into a giant wolf….
Just as Edward and Jacob prepare to fight, a choking sound issues from Bella. She heaves and a slimy green tentacle pours past her lips, filling her throat and mouth, rolling her eyes up into her skull. Her legs go wide and more tentacles squirmed out of her nethers. They wrap around the vampire and werewolf and squeeze. Edward and Jacob scream as a giant bulbous head squeezes out from the stretchy walls of Bella’s vagina and looks up at them with a dozen black eyes…
“Shut the fuck up! All you do is fucking talk! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! Nothing you say fucking matters! Now can I please live inside this teenage girl’s womb in peace?” Cthulu squeezed Jacob and Edward until their spines snapped and their organs popped. Then he stuffed them into his maw, chewed them up, swallowed, and then ducked back into Bella’s pulsing twat. The mouth tentacle sucked itself back down Bella’s throat and she woke up moments later. She had no idea what had happened. Edward and Jacob were gone. She felt a twinge in her gut, and that blank expression spread across her face again. She didn’t know that Cthulu lived inside her vagina, just like he lives in ALL girl’s vaginas. Sleep tight, Twihards.
December 2, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Cthulhu, he’ll squish Forks, WA. No more sparkily vampires or washboard ab werewolves.
December 2, 2011 at 7:24 pm
maybe it’s title this because from the piercse moment she was attacked it will be forever Inevitable that she will question her every move, look over her shoulder at every sound, fear every stranger who comes near her, it will be Inevitable that she will live her entire life in fear of the unknown.
March 20, 2014 at 12:36 pm
Cthulhu,
The darkest of elder gods, performed the greatest trick any evil entity could ever devise and convinced the world that he didn’t exist but that sparkling vampires did exist, and that they were going to come around and cream the jeans of any and all lonely girls and boys who would worship them as their new twi-gods. So he sent a terrible cheesy-worse-than-awful dream to a hack author and she wrote what has to be the most pathetic and stupid set of books ever put down on paper and came up with a way to rob lonely kids of their money all the while cranking her up into the stratosphere of rich untalented cunts where she so rightly felt she belonged. But little did she know that someonee was behind her dream and that the words she wrote were his words andd they burned and singed the weak-minded fools that called themselves her fans and they did worship, and Yea did Cthulhu laugh from his crypt in sunken R’lyeh at the pathetic mortals for the more they worshiped the sparkling idiots of a lame-bitch’s feeble mind, the more did he become increasingly more powerful than ever before and his mirth knew no bounds….
December 2, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Cthulhu.
December 2, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Nobody. They’ll realize that they’re both just sexually repressed and leave the battle feeling “not man enough.”
December 2, 2011 at 7:43 pm
I vote for Cthulhu. Flying Spaghetti Monster should have been an option though. FSM isn’t exactly evil, but I like having him as an option.
December 2, 2011 at 7:44 pm
The Twilight vampires will win. Like some kind of puzzling Grant Morrison villain, they both exist and do not and are capable of, by their very exist contorting better fictions, warping and corrupting it, turning horror into paranormal romance and spreading real world AIDS through their abstinence preaching. It would require a great and mighty invocation of chaos indeed for Cthulhu to give people AIDS. No, sparkly vampires represent a kind of hopelessness that Lovecraft in the blackest depths of the darkest night of his timid, twitchy soul could not have fathomed.
December 2, 2011 at 8:07 pm
This really depends on whether or not Cthulhu is in the room while Bella is giving birth, although it seems pretty unlikely. But if he is, Twilight vampires win by default because sparkles will shoot out of Bella’s vagina while she is giving birth and the sparkles will cause Cthulhu to have an epileptic seizure, choke on his tongue, and die.
December 2, 2011 at 8:32 pm
“service interrupted” and post dereppaasid. I’ll try and re-construct it from memory.I know we’re all SF fans. Have any of y’all ever read “Ticket to Tranai” by Robert Sheckley?He postulated a polity in which anyone who wanted to, could become a Government official, just by accepting the Medallion of Office and hanging it about his neck. Government officials there had the power of summary execution, with a rifle, against anyone they thought deserved it. There was also the Citizens’ Booth, into which any citizen could go at any time and press a button next to the name of any government official. This set off a high-explosive charge in the Medallion of Office, which blew off the Government Official’s head.Sorta like H. Beam Piper and the Texan Planet.
March 21, 2014 at 11:58 am
Cthulhu, because Jeffrey Combs will somehow be involved.
December 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Cthulhu, because he will eat them all!
December 2, 2011 at 8:40 pm
The sparkly vampires get some assistance from the hordes of freaking drones that currently consume their cultural products. As Cthulhu struggles with the millions of tiny humans crawling up his tentacles, a pissed off crew shows up. It’s composed of Bram Stoker, Count Sam Dracula, the cast of Nosferatu, Count Chocula and Vlad Tepes. The blood sucking crew start chanting that amazingly hilarious truth that has been making the Facebook rounds this week accompanied by a picture of Sam Dracula: “Back in my day, vampires sucked blood, not dick.” Distracted by the chant, the hordes of drones fall under Cthulhu’s undeniable eon-old power. To celebrate, they all have tea at Abdul Alhazred’s beach house and discuss the author’s upcoming title with Eraserhead Press.
December 2, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Cthulhu sat down at his computer, he went onto Bizarrocentral.com. He gave a deep chortle as he saw what was posted today, “Silly mortals” He thought, for little did the people know he had created Twilight; he controlled the feeble minded women with the books. Eventually he would lead them back to R’lyeh; where he could feast upon their mushy brains.
December 2, 2011 at 9:36 pm
Bella Swan is more evil Cthulhu and Emperor Palpatine combined! (Twilight)
December 2, 2011 at 9:50 pm
Huey Lewis in the parlor with frozen cobras bent into the shape of kamas.
December 3, 2011 at 1:29 am
It’s Cthulhu, no question.
December 3, 2011 at 9:26 am
That last one was me, by the way. Hit the fucking button too early…
December 3, 2011 at 9:27 am
This is really, really tough.
Twilight is evil in the same way that McDonalds is evil. It gets mass-consumption, offers little substance if any, is the watered-down version of what it’s supposed to represent, and is bad for you. Twilight is more destructive on a cultural level.
Cthulhu is evil in the same way that a black hole would be called evil if it had consciousness. That is to say, he wouldn’t really do anything unless something got in his way, then he would eat it and/or destroy its mind. That said, Cthulhu is more destructive on a tangible level.
My vote goes to Twilight for being the more active evil.
December 3, 2011 at 11:42 am
My wife is a “Twi-Hard”. Because of this, I have been forced to watch all three movies at the theater and, worse, When they run on HBO they are on constantly. All Chtulu does is drive people to madness. Twilight does far worse, it drives you mad, sucks out your soul, and you have to pretend to not to mind. Twilight is beyond evil, it’s mundane.
December 3, 2011 at 2:18 pm
Sparkly vampires: They’ll destroy Cthulhu with lip gloss and feminine anxiety.
December 3, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Cthulhu cuz tentacles. Anything with tentacles wins. Tentacles could rape all those horribly sparkly vampires.
December 3, 2011 at 3:56 pm
What nobody has mentioned is that Bella’s pregnancy was a result of a Cthulu tentacle bang and when that kid pops out it is going to devour Jacob and Edward and all the rest of the Twilight crew. This shit happens when you bring a tentacle dark God like creature and add a shitty actress and a night of tentacle loving.
Cthulu for sure!!!
December 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Cthulhu, though the Twilight series is definitely far more insidious and evil . . .
December 4, 2011 at 10:17 am
Everyone is so focused on Cthulhu and the Twilight vampires. They have no idea what horrors truly await them in the dark recess known as SOCIALIST REALISM. From this pit of inhumane censorship and disgusting propaganda disguised as literature, the likes of Alexander Faydeyev and Fyodor Gladkov come forth, writing tedious novels about the Soviet ideal and executing other writers as dangerous radicals. Even as fangs and tentacles are severed, dark supernatural blood spurting into the aether, all will be silenced when Mikhail Bulgakov receives a phone call from Stalin himself. “Can a Russian writer live outside of Russia?” Stalin asks, needing to elaborate no further. Quietly, Bulgakov retracts his bout for immigration. His novels languish in a locked cupboard, your choices diminish, and you are stuck with nothing to read. SOCIALIST REALISM.
December 4, 2011 at 10:42 am
Sparkly is nice, especially when your hormones are raging, but it wears off over the aeons–I vote for the Old One.
December 4, 2011 at 2:37 pm
Even Cthulhu Santa would easily destroy the sparkly tweens…
My real vote is a write-in though: Death Killer from Island of the Super People
December 4, 2011 at 9:37 pm
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Obviously Cthulu would easily crush those lame-ass sparkly vampires, but the real winners would be the reading public who would no longer be subjected to the crap that passes for writing that Stephanie Meyers churns out.
December 9, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Cthulu, of course.
December 18, 2011 at 1:02 pm
Cthulhu. No contest. Sparkly vamps should be wiped from existence anyway.
December 18, 2011 at 1:06 pm
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